KalamTakTerucap

finally i made my mind. today i write a resignaton letter to quit after a long time i've been hold to be patient. i need that freedom. to heal  to stand again to find my loss self. its not an easy decision.. i've been thinking too long.. for whom I kept on staying,  for what I worked with toxic people like this,  with the pains that never end.. it hurting me even more ..  every day.. i'm not happy at all. its so confusing .. for what i work for,  is it for me, for my parent, or for those toxic people? if this is what they want me to do, they don't need to abuse me mentally, they don't need to make me feel bad, they should ask me to stop working.. but why they do this to me. i'm Lost. Losing my self even more.. tired to tried hard. tired to hold on. so i'm quit. i'm surrender. hoping for a better opportunities maybe. although i'm not sure what will happen,  i'm just accept for...

they said i'm just normal. am i pretending for getting an attention? they said, i'm just good. i can even managed my appearances look. i wears good cloth, i eat well, i smile big, i'm doing my daily work just like before. and i can settle my works on time. they said, i'm just okay. maybe i just can't live alone. i'm just need to mix with others.. maybe i just felt lonely, i must find a life partner. maybe i just need someone care and love me unconditionally. but are they? they said, maybe i just lacked a faith to ALLAH.. learn to accept things happened for a reasons. maybe i need to be more pious and practise more religious thing to be close to ALLAh.. they said.. the facts are, they knew nothing about what i'm going through... they knew nothing about what the war inside me that i'm failed to understant too. they failed to understand that I'm just tired, afraid being judged, afraid in everything, suffocating, ...

its just nobody can understand what you are going through.. and don't expect them to be understand, because they don't. no matter how much you explained, they will never understand. maybe some of them do, but its seems hard to believe. why, because at the end, you the only who hurt the most. stop making yourself hurt.   and by the time i stop thinking about others, stop being care to them, i just realized the fact that i'm not important to them.. just live your life quietly. just stop caring.. prevent yourself from being harmed. you just tired for knowing people isn't it? 

PLEASE! STOP DEMANDING AND JUDGING ME! I JUST WANT A PEACE FOR MY SOUL. IS IT MY FAULT IF EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE ARE NOT SUCCESS AS YOU PEOPLE WANT? I'M THE MOST PERSON WHO WANT EVERYTHING BEST IN MY LIFE. BUT I KNOW ITS NOT EASY AND HARD TO ACHIEVE. BUT WHYYY? BUT WHY YOU ALL MAKE IT LIKE I'M THE ONE TO BE BLAME? I'M SLOWLY GIVING UP EVERYTHING.. I FOUND THIS LIFE IS NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL AS ALL THE LIVING THING ARE SO SCARY SPECIALLY HUMAN.    CAN I JUST BREATH FREELY? CAN I GET A QUITE LIFE? I'M TIRED.. TIRED OF EVERYTHING IN LIFE..

Hari itu... masih bersisa hingga kini.. bukan berdendam, bukan tidak memaafkan.. ianya cuma tidak terlupakan.. bertambah segar bila hati sedang kecewa dengan orang-orang terdekat.. hari ini, kenangan pahit itu kembali menerjah di lubuk hati.. masih teringat aku menangis teruk di pondok wakaf kmk depan asrama perempuan... Tak dapat menahan sakit dan kecewa yang dirasa, air mata laju mengalir keluar. Akan tetapi, terasa masih bernilai saat itu kerana ada 5 sahabat ketika itu yang tak putus memujuk~ Perasaan ketika itu tak pernah aku lupa, dan moment itu walaupun pahit, aku lebih merasakan manisnya berkasih sayang tanpa syarat.. Dan setiap kali aku merasakan hiba di hati, moment itu terus saja di fikiran. Namun, tiada dapat aku merasakan perasaan seperti itu lagi kini.. aku keseorangan kerana mereka semua berlalu pergi.. mungkin juga ianya pilihan aku.. keseorangan itu kadang lebih baik.. Mungkin kerana hati aku menjadi keras,atau aku sengaja tutup sekerasnya.. Kerana saat tu, aku berjan...

I just need to continue to work on myself and am slowly regaining a sense of purpose. Although I’m not fully healed (its always can return) , I have managed to get back to a much better place. -Alhamdulillah. Thanks to them- I really believe that recognizing you’re depressed is the first step to recovery.  a way to set myself free.

Ya, aku mahu keluar dari semua ini.. who said i'm not trying enough to get over this? aku cuba semuanya.. aku cuba fokus pada "self development". aku cuba buat semua perkara yang mengharuskan aku berhubungan dengan manusia lain, walau aku tahu manusia itu menggerunkan dari semua makhluk yang ada di muka bumi ini. aku masih bekerja dan menjalankan tanggungjawab aku walau sesak dan semahunya berhenti dari mengadap semua yang hanya akan menambahkan duri pada hati. i'm just sick of pretending in front of toxic people. but i do keep trying.. negetive thought? tak cukup pengharapan dan pergantungan pada ALLAH? heii.. jangan cuba label kalau kau belum ada di tempat orang seperti kami. its hurt more than anything to be labelled like that by your own friend. aku pernah off semua media sosial untuk aku fokus pada diri dan kesembuhan.. dan aku aktifkan kembali untuk tujuan aku berhubung dengan segala makhluk yang mengerikan ini.. dan for about a few months i'm suffe...

Please don’t hate me.  I already hate myself enough.

It slowly begins to affect everyone around me, too.  I know this because it’s affecting my relationships, my job, and even my health. Sometime, friends do can breaks your heart too. so should I focus more on my lost self?  so much i hope they will be someone that i can rely, but nobody care. i'm lost my trust to everyone, including myself.  and I'm not expect them to understand what i'm going through. but please don't judge like others judging me. 

I need to find back my self. cari balik perkara yang boleh menggembirakan kau wahai diri sendiri. Its Worse than you ever think. Please help me finding me.

What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I be normal? How did I get here?

To be honest, I just don’t want to be a burden.  I must be so annoying to be around  and it’s getting harder to fake it and put on a happy face.  I’m not even really sure what day it is anymore  since I’ve been so tired lately.  Sometimes I wake up, realize I’m still here,  and then close my eyes and go back to sleep  because that’s a few extra hours I don’t have to be me  and it feels so nice.  When I can’t sleep anymore,  I like to just lay in bed and stare at the wall for a few hours while the negative thoughts creep up on me.

Lately, I realize that I'm cried a lot, Alone. especially in the middle of the night while struggling with insomnia and bad thoughts. sometime, I cried silently by watching sad movies or dramas to avoid people around knowing that I was crying as hard as I could not because of that movies, but because i want to cry as much as i could.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. 23rd January 1991 no special wish other than from my family and friends.. they still remember. don't know until when they will care and remember. its just like alone in good day of you. ramai, tapi rasa kosong. maybe too much expectation i kept on myself, then i kecewa. :'(

I’ve been doing my best to keep it together because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. But the truth is that whenever I’m alone these  days, I break down and cry. I’ve been fighting this battle with myself, and I feel like I’m losing. I feel like I’m losing hope, purpose, and control to the point that some days, I don’t want to wake up at all.